Introduction by the Blog Author
There’s a small, radical movement out there in the
hinterlands of America
that believes in never sending children to school. Ever.
This is not the same as home schooling, where children complete an
elementary and high school education at home, schooled by parents and other
home schooling parents.
My private opinion about unschooling: I think it should be
legal. I think it can work for
independently wealthy people who know enough science and mathematics to teach
their children as much chemistry and mathematics as are learned by high
schoolers. Such children should be sent
to college at age 18 in search of a profession.
My reasoning is simple: if you are not on a professional track by the
time you are 25 in America,
you are going to have to fight like an animal to remain in the shrinking middle
class. Thus the “choice” of unschooling
by parents is a crippling path for their children unless they are very well
educated and don’t themselves have to work at all (and thus are able to act as
very savvy, scientific tutors for 18 years).
Below is a speech by an unschooled teenager followed by some
links to this theory and its practitioners.
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Leap of Faith
Dagny Kream
2008
Rue Kream's intro:
Dagny's speech from the NE
Unschooling Conference last May has finally hit the internet. Here it is:
Leap of Faith
I'm calling this The Leap of Faith because that's what unschooling is.
If I asked any person in this room what they thought of sky diving you would
probably say it would be exciting, but you certainly couldn't deny you'd be
kind of scared. That's how I see unschooling. It's scary and exciting and hard
to get off your butt and just do it - but once you do it's going to be one of
the most amazing experiences you'll ever have.
Parenting should be a gift to you, not a curse. Parenting should be a
beautiful and scary thing. Not a wrong and stressful thing. Our perspective as
unschooled teenagers is so different from that of an adult or a younger person.
We are at a halfway point with a lot of confusing things to figure out and what
feels like not a lot of time to do it. Fortunately it's slightly better, though
certainly no easier or harder, to go through it as an unschooler as opposed to
a formally schooled person. We have a trusting family base who are always there
and knowledgeable and kind and supportive of us and our needs and wants from
this life. Trust comes in many forms and I've found my parents’ trust in
unschooling to be the most necessary part of the whole unschooling process.
I have had many conversations with unschoolers about people we know saying,
"I unschool, except for math" and how what we really hear is "I
unschool, but I don't trust my child to learn what he needs to know, when he
needs to know it". Unschooling, no matter how natural or not it is to you,
is a constant leap of faith. It always comes back to whether or not you’re
going to trust yourself, your children, and your family as a whole, to hold hands
and jump. Unschooling is about constantly adapting to the understanding that
although the obvious, easy, mainstream answer is to say no, you're going to
learn to say yes, to say yes to deciding to trust your children’s ability to
decide on their own what they need, and when they need it, and how they are
going to get it. The ability to let go of a well-trained reaction to just say
no doesn't come easy. You can jump of the first cliff, but it's parenthood, and
there're going to be ten dozen more even scarier jumps than your first. If
unschooling were a tree divided into parts trust would be the trunk. It holds
everything else, all of your other ideals and wants and opinions of
unschooling, up. It is sturdy and un-swaying and most of all necessary. After all,
without a trunk there is no tree.
John Holt said, "To trust children we must first learn to trust
ourselves...and most of us were taught as children that we could not be
trusted." You need to start reversing this curse; trust yourself and show
your children that they can be trusted!
You might have noticed by now that unschooling is not the easy way out. It
just Can Not truly be done halfway or with except-fors like math or bedtimes or
diet. I have many sane, nice friends who I call "except-fors". The big
difference between my family as unschoolers, and their family as
"unschoolers except for", is that none of them have anything like the
relationship I have with my parents.
I wish I could express to you how much I want these parents to realize that
they could all change that one small thing, that whole trusting thing, and
there would be communication between these people who feel they are from and in
different worlds.
I have a friend who I visited and ate dinner with one night. Her parents
would not let any of us have dessert until she and her sister had unloaded the
dishwasher. She spent the whole time stalling and saying nasty things about her
parents while they were in the other room yelling at her to hurry up, eating
the dessert already themselves.
This is such a disrespectful way to communicate; they would never ever have
even thought to speak that way to an adult. Did they create these humans to use
as slaves to do work that was important to them, and not the kids?
Do you really want to spend more than half of the short time you have with
your children arguing about who has to do what? Do you want for these people to
despise you and disrespect you simply because you don't trust and respect them?
Or because you didn't spend two extra minutes just asking them if they would
help with the laundry, because it does need to be done? Is this really worth
it?
As surprising as it may sound, you don't have to waste away 18 or such years
of your life in a living hell, just because that's what everyone else is doing.
I have never been made to do a chore in my life, but I know a lot of people
who have to do a certain number of chores each day. I do more than these
un-trusted and/or disrespected friends ever forcibly do in a day without even
realizing it.
For example, any day of the week I might wake up, see the dishwasher was
clean, and very reasonably think "well, we need these dishes for
breakfast, so I'll put these away before I eat." I have never been taught
that having to get this done is a chore and, because it must happen everyday in
order for us to eat off plates, a menial task. It needs to happen, so it gets
done. Sometimes I don't feel like doing it and more often than not someone else
will notice the other putting away dishes alone and go help out. We end up
having very pleasant conversations while getting this done and no one is any
angrier for having done this task that is to us, because of the way have been
raised, just a necessary and not unpleasant part of life.
People are so concerned that their kids could never learn that housework
needs to get done without making them do it. They absolutely just don't trust
them to figure it out on their own when it becomes necessary for them. It seems
that people decided that when their children move out, if their new place gets
messy and it's bothering them, they won't have the ability to think "oh,
this is bothering me, and I need to fix it" and that once that decision is
reached, they won't know HOW. That is ridiculous. It is so often that the
younger generation is underestimated in this way, without ever giving them a
fair chance to prove their parents wrong. I'm going to use my opportunity to be
up here at this lectern as a chance to prove them wrong on their kids’ behalf.
There is a group of questions commonly asked of unschooled teens such as myself
that I'd like to answer today:
· What do you want to do with your life?
· What's it like growing up unschooled?
· Do you have friends?
· What do you do all day?
The answers to these questions are as follows:
What do I want to do with my life?First of all, I have to back-sass
this question and say that I'm doing it right now! I'm not waiting around for
school to be over to have a life and/or go to college. However, that’s just not
the answer people are really asking for with this question. If I were to answer
it their way I would have to say that very honestly I just don't know for sure,
and I'm certainly not comfortable committing to something that I'm not over one
hundred and ten percent positive of, just for the sake of going to college like
everyone else.
I am constantly made aware by my parents that they will help me find
resources for whatever I feel the urge to be doing at the time. I find that
very important. For example, for the past few years my interests have been
drawn to photography, so we asked around and met an unschooling mom - Hi,
Karen! - who is also a professional photographer. She jumped on the idea of me
following her around on shoots and I've been able to go on quite a few with
her. I've learned so much already from Karen, from the technical aspects to how
to make the people in front of the camera more relaxed, and I am incredibly
grateful that she's put the effort into helping me. I've considered this and am
still considering this as a job option.
I am also very interested in dance of most every kind. I've been taking
hip-hop for two years and I am currently looking into taking it more seriously
with competitions and hopefully eventually becoming at least a
semi-professional hip-hop or break dancer.
I am very interested in running a small business. I sell handmade bags and
other accessories online and at these conferences. It feels really good to have
made something that people will actually buy from me. I never get over the
happiness it gives me to make someone else happy with something I made.
I really don't know if I'll ever be okay with committing to one thing, and
that’s alright with me. I mean who really honestly wants to do the same thing
day in and day out? I feel really lucky that I have the time and resources to
really think about and carry out what I genuinely want to be doing. Knowing
that has made me a more content human being. All of the things I have learned
would not have been possible if my parents did not trust that I can and will
figure out what I want and need to be doing when I need to do it. The fact that
they have made it possible for me to find what I really truly love doing is in
my eyes a huge advantage. If I love what I do, I'm going to be better at it
than the people who are doing it just to work.
A friend and I were having a discussion about unschooling, and she said to
me "But do you feel fulfilled? Because that's what is most
important."
This well-schooled, college graduate, intelligent person went on to say that
she's got two steady jobs and a pretty good life but when she gets home every
night she can't really say to herself that she feels she's getting anywhere, or
that she is fulfilled. It felt really good to be able to confidently say that I
do.
What's it like growing up unschooled? Obviously, I'm still working on
growing up some more...however, currently it's been amazing, and confusing, and
angering, and beautiful and inspiring to say the least.
Every day is an adventure. Every day I learn something new, or develop a
better understanding for something else. I feel intelligent! I feel free and
content and happy. I am confident that the way I am being raised is going to
get me somewhere great in life, that I am already somewhere great.
I could go to college - it's really not any harder for me than a
traditionally schooled person. But I could also NOT go to college and still be
fulfilled and live comfortably. I have so many options being unschooled and I'm
so aware of them all, it's so gratifying. This is true for me and for most
every other unschooler I know. I certainly went through and still go through
phases of self-doubt. But so does the rest of the world! It's not because I'm
unschooled, it's because that's life.
It's really important that you understand that my family is not perfect. I
really have never met a perfect family, unschooled or homeschooled or schooled.
I know for a fact that a lot of people, having read my mom's book, proceed to
email her saying, "Well, that’s nice for you and all, but you just got
lucky. My kid would never learn his multiplication tables if I didn't make him!
You got 'easy' kids." I'm not sure how she answers these, but I do know
everyone in my family's initial reaction if we happen to hear about these
emails. Generally it's a very dignified snort or lots of giggles. I really
don't understand what people mean when they say your kids must be easy. What's
an easy kid? I'm pretty sure I'm not one.
I can promise you without a doubt that my family fights. We drive each other
crazy just as much as you can expect of four people living under the same roof.
Being unschooled and writing a book about it doesn't mean that we find
ourselves to be perfect in the slightest. That's also not to say that we have
the same sort of issues as your average family - but it's all relative.
The good news is that the good stuff has always outweighed the bad. For
example going to ice rinks during school hours is like owning your own rink.
Doing errands without pushing through crowds of people is lovely. Having a
consistent, and understanding, and trusting family is inspiring and wonderful.
Do I have friends? Not only do I have a huge community of friends who
know and respect and love each other and me, they are all different than most
school-peoples’ friends in a very important way - I know I'm going to have them
forever. They aren't going to betray my trust or go off and gossip about me. I
can't possibly explain to you what a nice feeling that is. To have a constant
and ever growing open group of people full of love and respect for each other
is a gift I certainly would not have if not for being unschooled and if not for
these conferences, and Not Back to School Camp. In one whole school year of
kindergarten, I made one good friend. In three days of a conference, I have
many, many more than that. I may not have the mainstream’s idea of a friend,
with the drama associated with school - but I have my idea of a friend, and
many of them. My family likes and knows my friends. They trust me to pick good
people to hang out with and I think I can say that they agree with my choices,
whether or not it makes a difference to me what they think. In fact, though, it
does make a difference. I trust their judgment of people just like they trust
mine and because of this I would take into account anything they have to say
about the people I hang out with.
A lot of my closest friends are here right now - mostly just to cause me
embarrassment - I mean, to "SUPPORT" me -, but most of them helped
make this speech what it is, and it would probably be super awful if not for
their criticism. There is a lot of concern about unschoolers and a lack of
socialization. Unless for some horrific reason the parent is keeping the child
indoors against his or her will all of the time, this is near impossible.
We are out in the real world constantly. There are unschooling groups,
classes, conferences, camps, neighbors...we meet people of every background and
age and are respected by them, whether we're 12 and our best friend is 16 or
we're both the same age. Age no longer matters, personality and maturity level
matters. When I was 12 I came to this very hotel and met my best friends in the
whole world. Only one of them is my age and the rest are all 3 or 4 years older
than me. They treated me just as they would someone their own age because that
was how old I acted. I was myself and myself just so happened to act 14 or 15.
I'm chronologically 15 now and have 12 year old friends. Honestly I forget
sometimes how old anyone is, and usually I don't even know how old they are in
the first place for a few months after I meet them. This is only possible
because my parents were open-minded. They didn't hear about these 16 year olds
their daughter was with and think, "But they're 16 and she's 12 and that
is not okay, and she can not hang out with them", they wanted to meet
them. They wanted to know who their daughter was with, reasonably enough, but
they trusted my judgment. They knew from the start that I acted older than I
was and these people made me happy and I am safe with them, and that was all
that mattered.
What do I DO all day? The problem with answering this question is it
changes everyday. I don't have a curriculum. I live my life.
I do whatever I want would be the simplest answer, but most people respond
by saying "If my child could do whatever she wanted all day, she wouldn't
even get dressed in the morning! My kid needs direction."
We can and do make our own direction. Just because our idea of direction
might not match up with what is "right" doesn't mean it is
"wrong"! People should do what makes them happy! If sitting with
their computer on their lap all day writing a speech, makes them happy ... then
it's right.
If running 5 miles a day, or taking a nap makes them happy ... then it's
right.
If learning math, and having a curriculum makes THEM happy ... it is right.
But you have to leave that decision to them.
My days vary, from being on the computer on and off all day, looking up
something in particular that I'm interested in or surfing random sites, to
going into the city for a show with some friends, to doing errands and creating
and just hanging out with people who make me happy. I do what I want. But from
anything I do I learn something new, no matter how small. My parents know to
trust that and I can hardly imagine what our relationship together would be
like without their trusting me the way that they do.
A lot of people have said to me that I must be a special case. If I ask
them, "Do you think I'm well-rounded?" their answer is generally,
"Yes, but you got lucky." They're right! I did get lucky, but only in
the sense that I'm lucky to be unschooled.
Every other unschooled child is lucky too and I am no better or worse than
them. I also get, "But everyone else can't be like you. What about the
kids with ADD? Or dyslexia?" They say that people with these labels or the
like need structure, and are incapable of determining that for themselves. My
opinion is that those kids can benefit just as much from an unschooling
environment as anyone else.....If anything, even more.
I'm certainly not trying to say that having a formal education is bad.
Structure is good and fine, if that is what the person wants. It is not okay in
the slightest to force another human being, no matter how much smaller they are
than you, to go day in and day out to a place they do not want to be, to learn
things they do not want to know. A big part of unschooling is whether or not
you would "let" your child go to school if they so chose. If you
still think that decision is yours to make, you're not unschooling. Unschoolers
do decide sometimes that that is what they want for them to be happy. Not
often, but it does happen. Some people like it, or feel that they need it, and
it's important to understand that that's okay. School, any sort of class or
more formal education, is a perfectly fine thing when it's in a safe, happy
environment and the person going wants with all of their own heart to be there,
without any guilt or peer pressure. Trusting your child when they want to go to
school is just as important as trusting your child to want to be unschooled.
It is a common misconception that children just aren't smart enough to
decide they want to be smarter. I'm positive when people send their children to
school they only think they are doing the right thing, and that the kids will
thank them for it later. And maybe they will, but they've never been given a
chance to know anything else, any other way of learning, so how can they be so
sure? Unless they're informed of their options it just plain isn't possible.
Many young people are completely unaware that they do not have to go to school.
This is unfair. It's crucial that the world learns to trust kids enough to let
us decide what we want from this life and how we are going to get it. Children
are second-class citizens and that has to change.
Recently I heard someone say that it's all about the choices we make. This
is a very true point, but who decided that parents were right to make them for
another human being without any thought to their consent or opinion?
Mainstream's opinion of children, teenagers included, is that we are not human
yet. We are un-trustable. No one asks why.
Once while renting paddle boats with my family and waiting for our boat, we
were exploring the building and discovered a sign with boat rental prices
posted on it. The sign stated something to the effect of "two PEOPLE and
one CHILD - twenty dollars." We were stunned to discover people did not,
in fact, become people until they were 13 and up. Who woulda guessed?
In the words of Janusz Korczak, "Children are not the people of
tomorrow, but people today. They are entitled to be taken seriously. They have
a right to be treated by adults with tenderness and respect, as equals."
However, most of the world tends to disagree.
We are not people.
We are not capable of decision making, ideas worth having, being trusted.
A 7 year old is not capable of a maturity level beyond that which the system
has deemed reasonable.
Teenagers are reckless, children are too innocent.
So much of society relies on these "facts" given to them by the
experts, who decided they were the experts?
Who decided being an expert made you a trustable human being, suitable for
making decisions based on a random (and non-existent) "average"?
If anything shouldn't we think that the untainted mind of a child is more
open and all knowing than anyone else's? To me it is a truly sick thing for
someone to decide the innocence of a child makes them a child, not a person.
A 13 year old trusted, respected teen, who is not afraid of his parents, who
does not see them as authoritative figures but human beings just like him, is
likely to get into less trouble - I myself am proof of this, this conference is
proof of this - than a 13 year old teen with unreasonable rules and boundaries,
authoritarian parents who are not open and understanding and trusting with
them. Kindness, and trust, in action leads to love...love for each other and
love for their world.
In the end, you've got one decision left for you and you alone to make. What
is the meaning of life?
To rule over your children in a constant battle for power?
Or to trust, however crazy it may seem, in the judgment and equality of the
people you put on this world?
Dagny’s mother is the author of
Parenting a Free Child: The
Unschooled Life