The Lighter Side Of Bridge – Get a
Giggle From Your Bridge Game
Posted 29 April 2009
The Umpire Strikes Back
A scream for the Director frequently disrupts the game for the other players.
On one occasion when the stillness of the game was shattered by a raucous shout
of 'Di-rek-tor', the Director went to the microphone and softly, oh so softly,
said :
'Who called? Please raise your paw.'
In major events, it is common to use 'silent bidding'. Instead of the bids
being called out, they are written on a special bidding pad. This has many
advantages. It cuts down the noise level, it reduces the chances of overhearing
another table, it cuts out the need for a review of the bidding and it
eliminates the arguments about the final contract.
Before silent bidding came into vogue, this incident took place at a club in
New Zealand:
North : No bid.
East : Double.
The Director was called and East explained that he did not hear North's pass,
but heard a bid at the next table. Thinking that was what North bid, East
doubled.
North : May I ask East what he thought I bid?
Director : No, you can't.
North : Well, may I go over to the other table and ask for a
review of their auction?
You know things may not go well for your side when there's a dispute at the
table and you suggest that the Director be called and your sweet young opponent
raises her hand and calls out :
'Dar-ling'!!
Actually, Directors tend to be tough on their spouses and friends so that there
can be no possibility of a charge of bias. Also, many Directors bend over
backwards to try to keep everybody happy, an impossible task.
When the Director was called to a table to resolve a dispute, everyone was
talking at once, so the Director hollered 'Quiet!' When the fracas abated, he
continued :
'Now, let me hear the details from each side in turn.'
North then proceeded to tell his version of what had happened. At the end, the
Director said :
'You're right.'
East then gave his version of what had taken place and this was radically different
from North's account. At the end of East's tale, the Director said,
'You're right.'
South then remonstrated : 'But that can't be so. First you said North was
right. Then you said East was right. They can't both be right.'
'You're right, too,' replied the Director.
The call was loud and clear :
'Di-rek-tor!'
The Director hurried over to the table :
'Yes?'
'My opponent,' said the declarer, 'has made a premature gloat.'
A glove was found on the tournament floor and handed in to the Director who
stepped up to the microphone and announced :
'Have I got a hand for you!'
The Director had just completed the scoring and mentioned to the players
huddled around the scoring table that it was curious that there had been no
slams that evening.
'Oh yes, there was,' piped up one of the players. 'On Board
7.'
The Director flipped over to Board 7, noticed that 12 of the scores were +680
and said,
'Yes, but no one bid it.'
'We did,' said the player. 'See that minus-100?'
In top class tournaments the organisers provide bidding boxes rather than use
written bidding. These boxes which often hang from the table contain a card for
every possible bid, together with special cards that read Tournament Director
and Alert.
In the final of such an event, a player discovered that someone had spilled
water over his bidding box. He called for the Director to ask for the box to be
replaced.
When the Director arrived, the player's partner explained the position :
'Yeah, his bids are all wet . . . as usual.'
In a game where bidding boxes were in use, the auction had gone : 1 Diamond . .
.
2 Spades . . . 2 Diamonds . . .
'Insufficient card,' said one of the opponents.
'Director,' shouted the North player.
When the Director scurried over, North complained :'East bid before I had a
chance to call'.
'Just as well,' said the Director, looking down. 'East is the dealer on this
board.'
Sometimes a Director spots a score that is patently wrong. To discover what has
happened, the Director can ask the players involved, but if they are in the
middle of a hand, the Director does not like to disturb them and instead will
often take a look at their personal score card, which may reveal what the
correct entry on the travelling scoresheet should be.
On one such occasion, the Director approached a table and seeing that the
players were busy playing, spoke softly to the dummy.
'Are you keeping a private score card?'
'Yes, I am.'
'Could I see it, please?'
'Certainly.' (Hands the card to the Director.)
'But it's blank?'
'I don't keep the scores, just the score card.'
A player who had vowed never to lead from an ace died. When he awoke he
found himself in a bridge game holding :
A 4
2
A 8 7
4
A 7 5
4
K 3
As he was on lead against 3
he did not need the Director to tell him
where he was.
When there is a large tournament and there are many sections, it is not
uncommon for a pair to wander to the wrong table and frequently into a wrong
section. At the excellent Gold Coast Congress, held each February in Surfers
Paradise by the Queensland Bridge Association, two pairs were both trying to
sit in the East-West seats at the one table. Obviously one of the pairs was at
the wrong table. The Director was called and, to sort out the problem, tried to
ascertain the table the players had just left.
Director : Where have you come from?
Player, helpfully :
Sydney.
During large tournaments, the Directors are assisted by 'caddies', young
players or non-players who move the boards, put out the bidding pads, pick up
the leftover supplies after a session, and so on. At one tournament, the
Director sent out a new caddy near the end of the session to retrieve the
excess supplies. Finally she came back, looking pale and exhausted and close to
tears, with just seven pencils and a few table numbers.
'They just wouldn't hand over their cards and their system cards,' she
explained.
Overheard at a major tournament :
One caddy to another : 'I'm going outside for a couple of minutes. You stay
here in case the Directors need someone to yell at.'