Family estrangement (or, simply,
estrangement) is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family
members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that
there is little or no communication between the individuals involved for a
prolonged period. It may result either from direct interactions between those
affected - including traumatic experiences of family violence, abuse, neglect,
parental misbehavior such as repetitive explosive outbursts or intense marital
conflict, attachment disorders, differing values and
beliefs, disappointment, major life events or change, or poor communication -
or from the involvement or interference of a third party. The estrangement is
often unwanted, or considered unsatisfactory, by at least one party involved.
In one typical scenario, an adult child ceases contact with his or her parents, and possibly other family members, as the child transitions into adulthood. In another scenario, an intolerant parent casts out an adult child because of life choices. In both cases, the family estrangement may create an intergenerational rift that can persist for years and replicate itself in subsequent generations.
Family estrangements are broken relationships between parents, grandparents, siblings and children. Although a family estrangement can begin at any stage of life, it often begins during late adolescence or early adulthood. Characteristics of estrangement may include a lack of empathy in one or more of the parties involved. This can result in heightened levels of stress in all parties, although in the case of an abusive relationship the victim may feel a sense of relief once the source of stress has been removed.
A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party, such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternate social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party - either deliberately or not consciously - is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged. Parental alienation can be regarded as a particularly distinctive and widespread form of third-party estrangement whereby, typically, one parent involved in a family separation psychologically manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent and/or other family members.
The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form.
In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage) with the person they see as a potential abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.
Health implications
Although the rejected party's psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator's may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict. The social rejection in family estrangement is the equivalent of ostracism which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of self-esteem, and the need to have a sense of meaningful existence. The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression.
Family estrangement activates the grief response. However, the rejected family may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party.
Social workers who work with the elderly population are at the forefront of a new fallout from the family estrangement. Non-supportive or absent family members during someone's end-of-life acutely increase the pain and stress of the final days. Additional stress in financial, medical and welfare sectors requires a re-evaluation of the social policy regarding family expectations versus governmental support systems.
Culture
The separation of young adults from their families of origin in order to create families of their own is part of normal human development. According to Bowen theory, this separation can be achieved in a healthy and gradual manner that preserves the intergenerational relationships of the family of origin, providing both the new family and family of origin with a sense of continuity and support. Alternately, a schism can differentiate these life stages. Familial estrangement falls into the second category.
The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement, as well as a rationale for estrangement. In individualistic cultures, the estranger typically justifies the estrangement in relation to emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Estrangers who have suffered abuse often receive emotional support/validation as it can be easier for them to articulate and get others to understand their experience. For some victims of psychological or emotional abuse the damage has been done over a long period of time by a characteristic pattern of subtle deniable abuse. For these people, validation may never appear in any meaningful form unless it is professional help. The estranged may also become less socially accepted because of lowered self-regulation, a reaction to the social rejection.
Although working through stressful issues with communication, consideration and compassion can be a healthy coping mechanism, the effort can be demanding.
Value conflict
A family member’s sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, disability, religion or lack thereof may cause the estranged party to feel judged, unloved, or unaccepted causing them to initiate the estrangement or may cause the parents to disown their child. Life choices regarding education, profession, and geography are other potentially emotionally charged topics that reflect social values. Working through feelings to reach an understanding that accommodates the individual within the family unit challenges each individual’s sense of identity as part of a society. When one or more family members rank their expectations and emotions as more important than those of another family member, then the conversation becomes a zero-sum game. This is known as a social trap in social psychology, a situation where the long-term consequences of decisions result in a cumulative loss to all parties. In these instances, estrangement is more likely than accommodation.
Divorce
Divorce was cited as a reason for estrangement by 12.3% of parents and 2.3% of children.
Child abuse
Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse.
Substance abuse
Substance and alcohol abuse, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation. The most highly predictive domain of social estrangement for both alcohol and drug dependency is homelessness.
Mental illness
Mental illness on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is correlated with family estrangement. Both the PTSD sufferer's symptoms and the family members' failure to be sufficiently supportive can contribute to the estrangement. Studies on soldiers with PTSD have concluded that families with a PTSD patient require more support to facilitate healing and prevent estrangement.
Personality disorders
Personality disorders, particularly the cluster B personality disorders (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder), cause significant interpersonal conflicts. Sufferers typically have volatile relationships and may be both the estranger and the estranged multiple times throughout their lives.[citation needed]
Betrayal
From disputes over inheritances to perceived insults in public settings, a sense of betrayal can weaken the trust bonds of a family. According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, trust is the foundation of any relationship.
There are underlying psychological factors that explain family estrangement beyond the surface rationale of the scenario.
Bowen theory
In Bowen family systems theory, emotional cutoff and avoidance are unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety and stress. These coping mechanisms represent emotional and intellectual systems that are fused rather than differentiated, so that emotions overwhelm objective thought process and govern behavior. Poor differentiation is associated with continued relationship problems in life. Poor differentiation is also contagious in that it may induce stress in others. High differentiation is associated with emotional interdependence and multi-generational cooperation. Triangulation is when a third party enters the dynamic. A third party, however, may increase tension and trigger a rebellion.
Victim - persecutor - rescuer
The Karpman drama triangle is precipitated by a familial estrangement that involves a third party. A family member plays the victim role, casting the family as the persecutor. The new romantic interest, close friend or another family, for psychological motivations of their own, come to the victim's rescue and in so doing validates the dynamic for the victim.
In one typical scenario, an adult child ceases contact with his or her parents, and possibly other family members, as the child transitions into adulthood. In another scenario, an intolerant parent casts out an adult child because of life choices. In both cases, the family estrangement may create an intergenerational rift that can persist for years and replicate itself in subsequent generations.
Overview of Family
Estrangement
Family estrangements are broken relationships between parents, grandparents, siblings and children. Although a family estrangement can begin at any stage of life, it often begins during late adolescence or early adulthood. Characteristics of estrangement may include a lack of empathy in one or more of the parties involved. This can result in heightened levels of stress in all parties, although in the case of an abusive relationship the victim may feel a sense of relief once the source of stress has been removed.
A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party, such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternate social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party - either deliberately or not consciously - is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged. Parental alienation can be regarded as a particularly distinctive and widespread form of third-party estrangement whereby, typically, one parent involved in a family separation psychologically manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent and/or other family members.
The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form.
In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage) with the person they see as a potential abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.
Health implications
Although the rejected party's psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator's may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict. The social rejection in family estrangement is the equivalent of ostracism which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of self-esteem, and the need to have a sense of meaningful existence. The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression.
Family estrangement activates the grief response. However, the rejected family may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party.
Social workers who work with the elderly population are at the forefront of a new fallout from the family estrangement. Non-supportive or absent family members during someone's end-of-life acutely increase the pain and stress of the final days. Additional stress in financial, medical and welfare sectors requires a re-evaluation of the social policy regarding family expectations versus governmental support systems.
Culture
The separation of young adults from their families of origin in order to create families of their own is part of normal human development. According to Bowen theory, this separation can be achieved in a healthy and gradual manner that preserves the intergenerational relationships of the family of origin, providing both the new family and family of origin with a sense of continuity and support. Alternately, a schism can differentiate these life stages. Familial estrangement falls into the second category.
The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement, as well as a rationale for estrangement. In individualistic cultures, the estranger typically justifies the estrangement in relation to emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Estrangers who have suffered abuse often receive emotional support/validation as it can be easier for them to articulate and get others to understand their experience. For some victims of psychological or emotional abuse the damage has been done over a long period of time by a characteristic pattern of subtle deniable abuse. For these people, validation may never appear in any meaningful form unless it is professional help. The estranged may also become less socially accepted because of lowered self-regulation, a reaction to the social rejection.
Contributing Causes
Although working through stressful issues with communication, consideration and compassion can be a healthy coping mechanism, the effort can be demanding.
Value conflict
A family member’s sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, disability, religion or lack thereof may cause the estranged party to feel judged, unloved, or unaccepted causing them to initiate the estrangement or may cause the parents to disown their child. Life choices regarding education, profession, and geography are other potentially emotionally charged topics that reflect social values. Working through feelings to reach an understanding that accommodates the individual within the family unit challenges each individual’s sense of identity as part of a society. When one or more family members rank their expectations and emotions as more important than those of another family member, then the conversation becomes a zero-sum game. This is known as a social trap in social psychology, a situation where the long-term consequences of decisions result in a cumulative loss to all parties. In these instances, estrangement is more likely than accommodation.
Divorce
Divorce was cited as a reason for estrangement by 12.3% of parents and 2.3% of children.
Child abuse
Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse.
Substance abuse
Substance and alcohol abuse, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation. The most highly predictive domain of social estrangement for both alcohol and drug dependency is homelessness.
Mental illness
Mental illness on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is correlated with family estrangement. Both the PTSD sufferer's symptoms and the family members' failure to be sufficiently supportive can contribute to the estrangement. Studies on soldiers with PTSD have concluded that families with a PTSD patient require more support to facilitate healing and prevent estrangement.
Personality disorders
Personality disorders, particularly the cluster B personality disorders (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder), cause significant interpersonal conflicts. Sufferers typically have volatile relationships and may be both the estranger and the estranged multiple times throughout their lives.[citation needed]
Betrayal
From disputes over inheritances to perceived insults in public settings, a sense of betrayal can weaken the trust bonds of a family. According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, trust is the foundation of any relationship.
Explanations
There are underlying psychological factors that explain family estrangement beyond the surface rationale of the scenario.
Bowen theory
In Bowen family systems theory, emotional cutoff and avoidance are unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety and stress. These coping mechanisms represent emotional and intellectual systems that are fused rather than differentiated, so that emotions overwhelm objective thought process and govern behavior. Poor differentiation is associated with continued relationship problems in life. Poor differentiation is also contagious in that it may induce stress in others. High differentiation is associated with emotional interdependence and multi-generational cooperation. Triangulation is when a third party enters the dynamic. A third party, however, may increase tension and trigger a rebellion.
Victim - persecutor - rescuer
The Karpman drama triangle is precipitated by a familial estrangement that involves a third party. A family member plays the victim role, casting the family as the persecutor. The new romantic interest, close friend or another family, for psychological motivations of their own, come to the victim's rescue and in so doing validates the dynamic for the victim.
Substitute Families
Both the estranger and the estranged may use social and work
relationships to create substitute families. Support groups and other highly
emotional organizations also provide a conduit for emotional energy from
unresolved issues with parents, siblings and other family members. Becoming
passionate about a cause or hobby is another coping mechanism, termed sublimation in psychiatry.
See Also
- Attachment theory
- Disownment
- Emotional detachment
- Parental alienation
- Psychological punishment
- Shunning
- Social rejection
- Ego defense mechanisms
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